Okay so everybody knows that I have financial issues, EVERYONE knows that I can't even afford food, and can barely afford stuff like internet, electricity, heat, water, etc. Everyone fucking knows all my money is taken on the 1st of Every goddamn month.
Why is that?
I pay a lot to pay back a FORCED loan.
I pay a lot in house rent. (It's a small appartment I live in. One bedroom appartment but with own kitchen and bath, but ohboy, look at that, I don't even have an oven.) - It's too small to seek extra money.
And apparently I'm not 'sick' enough to get more money from the state or whatever.
Everybody expects me to give them money. Everyone.
Sure, I'd rather pay my bills than end up going to court and having to pay even more, or ending on the street. I fancy having a home, don't get me wrong, but I don't fancy being unable to live this already shitty life.
Being in this financial crisis is PART reason of my suicidal mindset (Dw. I am a coward, so I can't kill myself, but if the chance EVER comes to die, without having to kill myself. GODDAMNIT I'LL FUCKING TAKE IT.)
One thing that really grinds my gears though, is how IGNORANT some people seem to be, just because THEY have enough money for THEMSELVES to get by.
No body seems to understand that most of the times when I say "Oh, gotta stay home today" it is because I don't have the money to go anywhere. I don't own a car, and despite my parents having a car, no, I can't borrow that when I can't take the bus because of moneys.
"Why not?" how about I don't have the money to pay a parking ticket?
How about I don't have the money to pay for gas?
I'd have to put aside a lot of money, per month, if I were to borrow the car. That money would be for gas, parking tickets, eventual damages to the car (because many assholes don't know how to fucking drive) - so I can't do that.
I can't hike out to the school, I can't run. Obviously I can't teleport either or fly.
I physically can't get there. It's not because I am lazy or necessarily demotivated.
It's not because I don't know that I won't get money if I don't show up.
Goddamnit I know that, and telling me when I am PHYSICALLY AND UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF AFFORDING THE TRANSPORTATION NEEDED TO GET THERE, IS NOT HELPING ME TOWARDS GOING.
it stresses me. It makes me anxious, and I sink lower.
"Why don't you just cut off some of your stuff to get more money?"
Great idea. Like what? My internet? So I can't check messages from the state and from the psychiatric hospital I'm ASSIGNED to? My video service? So my tv becomes utterly useless? No. Spotify? OOOH yeah so I can spend mornings and entire days listening to 99% advertisements and get stressed because I can't avoid strangers and the outside world? No. Crunchyroll? I could but tbh I have so many things on there that I actively follow and watches so I can't besides that's cheap. - My phone? Great idea. Then literally noone can get hold of me. INCLUDING my contact persons, my therapeut, my parents. So no
None of the things above are things I can get out of.
I am far from done with the debt and I have multiple things to pay. Debt for the loan, debt for a bill for electricity that I never recieved until a YEAR after I had moved out.
I literally do not have money to live, and yet everyone thinks I'm just lazy.
I am ALREADY not eating because I can't afford it.
My sleeping pattern is fucked cause some people keep me up sometimes, and because the rest of the time, the stress gives me insomnia.
I am CONSTANTLY tired. Even if I get 8 hours of sleep. I am permanently tired no matter what I do, and it's because my situation drains me.
I know, no one cares. In fact, some people think it's my own fault. Sure, yeah, I wanted to take a loan to move into a place where I didn't want to live. Sure, yeah, I see that haha.
Totally my fault that I was blackmailed into that. Sure. Yes. Wow.
And then some people go "Why not get a job?" - That's a marvelous idea, but thanks to my RSI, my foot, my mental state and inability to function in society like a normal person, that's not really an option, not even if it WOULD get me more money than what I'm already recieving, which isn't enough.
"Why not open commissions?" - I am slow, I procrastinate and it stresses me. I already have like 3 commissions to work on, and 2 out of free are for 'fictional' currency (actually spots for more characters on an rp side because I'm a sucker lol) and the rest is way overdue (gosh I'm sorry it's taking so long
;w; I really wanted to be finished with it quickly but I'm so stressed omg) - besides my prices are too low to get me out of my financial crisis.
I am forced to go and beg my parents for help, earning me patronizing looks and sassy remarks from my brother, such as "He moved out you know, he should be able to take care of himself." - "Why do you give him money? He should have some himself." and so on. My sister always expects me to drive her everywhere and gets upset when I say I can't. Be it because I'm tired, sick or has other plans. Like new years eve, when she wanted me to drive her to a party, despite it not being further away than for her being able to literally WALK there herself.
And when my parents don't have the funds? Hey look at that, I borrow the car to go and rant at my grandpa, because I am his single favorite grandchild and SOMETIMES he gives me some money. Which is then used on food and other necessities, but I NEVER end up with enough money to get by, and when I DO get an absurd amount of money, I am EXPECTED to share it with my patronizing bitch brother and my miss perfect geek sister, AS IF I owe them something.
They DON'T appreciate me struggling for them like that either, and still thinks it's unfair when I get money. JUST because they don't have a crisis of their own.
Oh my fucking god.
Maybe I should sell a kidney? They're worth a lot RIGHT? jfc.
Rant over. Sorry for bothering you all.
- Also on a sidenote, to everyone I am currently rp'ing with and have not responded to yet
I am so sorry, December was a really tough month and I've been super stressed and it's just not wearing off. I'll try to answer as soon as possible. thanks for being patient with me.